Angrier than a Five-Year-Old Kid

A five-year-old kid is conducting extensive research into the logistics of Santa Claus. Honestly, it seems like a physics paradox for all those toys to be carried in one sled… in addition to the twelve flying reindeer to pull said sled. What happens to the weight and mass of the toys to allow them to all fit inside Santa’s bag? After weeks of running the numbers, the five-year-old kid calculates the only possible answer:

The bag is empty because… in fact… opening the bag opens a dimensional portal. This allows the toys to be delivered without increasing the weight of the sleigh. With the population growth of the planet, there is no way twelve flying reindeer could possibly pull toys to so many girls and boys. In addition, the five-year-old kid is concerned about possible animal abuse issues for the intense labor the twelve reindeer endure. But, this is easily rationalized because the reindeer only work one day a year. That is a pretty sweet job for any flying reindeer.

So finally… feeling brilliant, the kid discusses this answer with an older brother.

After hearing this theory about how Santa Claus delivers toys to so many good little girls and boys, the older brother responds, “Santa Claus isn’t real! He was made up, stupid!!”

Devastated, with tears, the five-year-old shrieks, “What do you mean it was MADE UP?”

And then the older brother responds, “P.S. — flying reindeer don’t exist.”

At this, the five-year-old kid cries, “WHAT THE FUCK!?” — And then gets promptly grounded by his mother for dropping the F-bomb.

That level of disappointment is how I feel about the movie “The Butler.” It has an all-star cast, and it is based on a true story. However (spoiler alert) … this movie is made-up. Darn near all of it is made up.

There was a fascinating character named Louis Gaines in the film. Louis is the son of the main character, Cecil. I wanted to learn more about Louis. I wanted to know what parts of his story were true because of the amazing exploits Louis had experienced, and which parts the film had taken creative license with. Well… Louis, and his ENTIRE story, were made-up. Louis Gaines does not, and did not, exist.

The liberties this movie takes with reality… it’s like, well…

  • “Jaws” is based on a real story because sharks have been known to attack people in the ocean.
  • “Jurassic Park” is based on a true story because dinosaurs once roamed the earth.
  • “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer” is based on a true story because Abraham Lincoln was a real person and actually did serve as President of the United States.
  • “Marvel’s: The Avengers” is based on a true story because the earth exists and massive battles have been fought on earth.

I honestly wanted to know more about the amazing Louis Gaines, but the fact is he doesn’t exist. That makes this entire movie a pile of dog excrement. I hate reading movie spoilers ahead of time… but I wish I had for this movie. Dear Hollywood… please don’t be so creative with your creative license if you are suggesting a movie is based on a true story.

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2 thoughts on “Angrier than a Five-Year-Old Kid

  1. The word “loosely” must have been
    edited out of the accuracy claim. However, your description of what counts as a true story is much better than their accuracy could ever be.

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